Sunday, August 26, 2007

Skinny Bitches and What I really *really* want


We all know the story...
Middle aged black woman with a sing-song middle-west accent picks up a book,
takes it with her to work,
says a few words,
gives a few copies to her studio audience,
and whammo, the author buys 4000 sq feet of porches
and the New York Times Best Seller List adds a new #1.
That story.

But here's a new twist that even Anne Sexton hadn't the foresight to Transform.

Two angry, underfed, skinny chicks bemoan their waistlines and their lives.
One's an ex-model who ate nothing but chili dogs and peanut M&M's.
The other an ex-modeling agent who ate nothing but double bacon burgers and beer.
They are sent by their angry ex-employers into the woods where they are forced to survive on nuts, berries and greens and realize, fuck! There's something to this foresting for food, and really now that we can stuff ourselves with carrots we are *so* much happier. So vowing to "change the world" they decide to...publish a book. One researches and the other pens witty phrases like: "Soda is from Satan" and "If you eat crap you are crap." They sell a few copies and go on with their berry picking lives. Jump forward to 2007.

A middle-aged white woman, with a sing-song British accent, picks up a book,
Placed decoratively on a table of designer jeans, while shopping, in Los Angeles.
She looks at the title, notices that it describes her to near perfection,
holds it near her gaunt face and smiles, cameras flash.
This is major.
She sets the book back on the table,
or gives it to her overweight personal assistant to put back on the table.
She doesn't even buy the book.
And yet in a week the book sells out on two continents.
It's reprinted at 200,000 copies and the ex-model and the ex-model agent get a three book deal (not to mention 4000 square feet of Porsches).

The first story I kind of get.
In fact, I secretly hope it will one day happen to me, but the second story? The one about the bitches and the berries...Now what the fuck is up with that?

As our resident Angelino I'm just asking, because in the past six weeks THREE of my seven suburban neighbors have got the posh spice bob, and again, I'm just saying, a bob that severe is no Jennifer Aniston shag. A bob that severe only looks good if you're one super skinny bitch.

2 comments:

Jenn (2 ns) said...

Zigazigahhh.

At least she didn't "write" a children's book.

Ella C. Rotta said...

Are we absolutely SURE that Posh isn't computer-generated?